The Secrets of a Disney Princess
Well, folks, we've entered the Disney Princess phase. I don't mind it so much that she likes princesses, but I'm just not a big fan of uber-merchandised goods plastered with the likeness of Sleeping Beauty and Cinderella. I can only take so many character themed objects before my head explodes from their collective Disney perfection.
I think I've logged more hours watching Snow White in the last week than I have slept and that makes for an interesting day. I find myself breaking out into a spontaneous rendition of "Whistle While You Work" as I'm changing a poopy diaper. In watching all of these movies I have noticed a definite formula required to become a princess. And just in case you were wondering what skills you needed to list on your resume before applying at The Disney Castle, I'll help you out.
1) A true Disney princess must not have a Mother and should ideally posses a cruel Step-Mother who is jealous of her virginal beauty.. This is crucial as it lends to our sympathetic view of the poor dear.
2) She should be forced into manual drudgery and wear simple, patched clothing for most of the day. But she never lets those minor details keep her down because although she has no human friends, she.......
3) Should be able to talk to animals of all sorts in a high pitched yet soothing voice. She is never, ever cruel to these animals (ELLIE, ARE YOU LISTENING?) even when she puts them to work.
4) She is a tidy housekeeper (probably from all the years of drudgery) and frets whenever she sees a mess. She will always tidy up a room, usually with the help of her furry friends, and almost always while singing.
5) She is a virgin. (Sorry to 99.999% of you applicants out there that just became disqualified) and furthermore, she has never been kissed. Her first kiss will be tantamount to losing her virginity and she will then promptly get married before she ignites in flames of red hot Disney passion and lives happily ever after.
Why don't we ever see the Princess after she rides off into the sunset with Prince Charming? Well, it's just my opinion, but I think it's because: She gets pregnant on her wedding night, has a child every other year, her perky Disney breasts fall down to her knees and there isn't a Victoria's Secret within a thousand mile radius of the Castle to help her out, Prince Charming takes a lover(s), Princess goes on Zoloft, develops saddlebags and liver spots, goes on Dancing with The Stars only to trip over her gown during practice and break a hip, is nursed back to health by the woodland creatures and fairy folk, and then (deeeep breath) develops breast cancer from drinking out of water bottles that she let sit in her carriage all day and get hot. By this time she's the one saying, "Mirror, Mirror on the wall" And so on and so forth. And, you know what? I kinda like it that way.